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Once again, I’m in physical pain, and turn to my paints for release. There was an intense internal pressure as if I was going to explode.

I recall being tickled as a child – the sense of helplessness as I was pinned to the ground, ‘tickled to death’, in a manner that was so painful, and enraging, the memory is still intense. When I used to scream, ‘get off me, you’re hurting me, I hate being tickled’ I was ignored. I was overpowered, and told I didn’t have a sense of humour. This was all done in fun – apparently.

My sense of outrage and being wrong engulfed me and created an internal knot of confusion.

These emotional exchanges remain stored in the body and as I’m at a time in my life when healing can occur (I’ve limited responsibility for others), my body is throwing up all sorts of raw emotional debris from my past.

What to do? This debris is like the redundant space satellites circling the Earth: it’s in the energy field till there’s an opportunity for a clean up. Times of transition provide this. The past rises to the surface as unearthed belongings trigger old memories, and it’s my opportunity to re-parent myself, take care of the hurt feelings that have remained buried. Given a voice they’d say – ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ aka ‘it’s not fair’.

My adult knows life isn’t fair, but my buried feelings don’t. They demand expression – and in paint terms – it’s ugly.
A swirling, messy, grrrrrr energy that wants to hurt others as I’ve been hurt: I control it because I don’t want to do that. But I can’t stand feeling this pain, so I give it expression. It’s not pretty, but it’s better than the alternative.
Could this be maturity?

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